Trick or Treason

This is so weird... I dreamed about you being here, reading this very blog, just last night. And here you are! ...Spooky!

Speaking of spooks, (ooh, nice segue) on halloween night, some houses struggle with the concept of "candy." Let me enlighten you:

There are "good" houses, and there are "bad" houses. The best trick-or-treaters know to avoid the latter. We all love Halloween, but wish certain homes would just stop handing out the classically bad "treats." They weren't good last year, the year before that, or now....and don't kid yourself: Word spreads fast. Once you've been identified as a "bad" house, it's virtually impossible to redeem yourself. Whispers will spread like wildfire through every child in every neighborhood in town. One wrong treat, and you'll find witches, ghosts, princesses, and firemen avoiding your house like the plauge. Take the big orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut for example: handing out one of these doorstops will dishevel your home from trick-or-treaters for a minimum of five (5) years. And stencils? ...You're looking at ten to life.

If you want to be the cool house on the block, you'll know better than to hand out any of these eye-rollers:

1) Toothbrushes

Dentists and orthodontists should not be allowed to celebrate Halloween if they're going to get all tooth-doctory on us. Do not bring your work home with you, folks! We all have a personal responsibility to brush, and maybe some of us will forget, but your complimentary bristles on a stick (instead of a Snickers) will not help us remember. It will make us despise you and your trade.

2) Raisins

Little boxes of stuck-together shriveled globs are not what little kids schlep around the neighborhood for all night. When they say trick-or-treat, they want candy that will rot their teeth, not wrinkled grapes. No preservatives? No thank you. (Using an empty box as a kazoo-like instrument, though, is kinda fun.)

3) Candy Corn

Ah, the fruitcake of halloween; it just never goes away. If you love them, fine. But don't subject the rest of us to the sickeningly sweet triangle that tastes like neither candy nor corn. It's the exact same rock-hard candy corn you had sitting in a dish by the door LAST halloween-- you're not fooling anyone.

4) Smarties and Necco Wafers

These chalky candies are supposedly "fruit-flavored," but no fruit I know tastes like hard dust -- and makes everything eaten after that taste like hard dust, too.

5) Dum Dum Lollipops

Usually, foods on a stick are yummy (corn dogs, ice pops), but Dum Dums just can't be included on that list. Not even if they were breaded and deep-fried and served at a fair. A quick rule of thumb: If you're A) drooling out more than you swallow, or B) feel like you need a wet wash cloth mid-way through... kids don't want it, either.

6) Apples

Evil people have long been handing out apples even before "poisoned candy" scares. Ever seen Snow White? Avoid anything that does not come in its own wrapper. And no, adding your own cutesey wrapper with those "offical halloween markings" on it does not count.

7) Tootsie Rolls

It looks like chocolate and sort of smells like chocolate, but the mini brown tubes are not real chocolate. They taste like watered-down chocolate, and have a chewy texture that will strip the fillings right off your molars. It's also the cheapest possible option for candy givers. Kids know it. They resent you for it.

8) Miscellaneous, Wrapped Hard Candies

Halloween is supposed to be a holiday for children and young people alike, not senior citizens who suck on hard candies all day. Something about the strawberry-shaped strawberries, gold-wrapped butterscotch, and peppermint in cellophane that just screams "I'm past the expiration date." (These usually get set aside for Granny.)

9) Laffy Taffy

I do not laffy when I get these. I sobby. I get depressedy. Because it gets all stucky to my teethy and doesn't even taste that goody.

10) Anything Fun-Sized

Who started calling it this? Since when is one bite fun? Indulgence and a teeth-rotting sugar rush: that's what's fun. Portion control doesn't need to start this young. A normal-sized candy bar will make you the most popular house on the block. A king-sized candy bar will have you calling in for back-up. Want to really watch their heads spin? Whip out a soft carbonated beverage...they'll never know what hit 'um.

One last word to the wise: Don't even THINK about handing out those disgusting peanut butter flavored chewy candies wrapped in orange or black waxed paper. It's a death sentence. You might as well leave a basket outside your home marked "free eggs, fire at will."

Happy Halloween, everybody... and good luck.
Peace out,
H