Procrastinators Unite! ...Tomorrow

Welcome back. I'm glad you're here again, I missed seeing your smiling face.

Who doesn't love a Monday?!? It's a day to start fresh, a day to organize tasks for the week ahead, a day to prepare. It's also a day to work faster than the Andretti boys to hurry up and finish what you should have completed Friday afternoon. I myself am no stranger to this thing we call procrastination. In fact, I like to think I excel at it...one of the greats, if you will (and indeed, you will)...I am the Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordon, Babe Ruth, Socrates, and Walt Disney himself of "saving tasks for a later date." One day perhaps others will be known as the "Heather Fogarty" of hockey, basketball, baseball, philosophy, and imagination.

I like to think of procrastination as something of an art form, to be perfected. It is the art of keeping up with yesterday. I feel it is the key to prolonging life; the sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. It is the greatest labor-saving invention of all time! I hope Mr. Procrast is a rich and happy man, may we all pay homage. "Someday" is, in fact, a day of the week.

It is imperative that skeptics understand the notion that if not for the last minute, we procrastinators would finish nothing. I do my best work under pressure. If deadlines are met, there is no issue of a problem. We procrastinators--the good ones--have calculated to the exact hundredth of a second, precisely how much time we have until we do need to desperately get to work, and will not lift a finger until such a moment. It is an exact science of pure quantitative analyses of time. I am therefore a scientist, a procrastologist, and have no quibbles regarding other procrastinators out there, who call themselves the same. Paging Doctor Fogarty...

For those of you students who favor the last minute lifestyle, I have compiled a timeline that will aid you in your next assignment. Take Notes:

1)Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit setting in front of your computer.

2)Log onto MSN and Yahoo messenger (on "away" status, of course).

3)Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4)Check the fridge and cupboard to obtain the snacks and drinks necessary to aid in concentration of completing your project.

5)Check your email--Any important messages should be taken care of immediately... You don't need that hanging over your head while you try to focus on your work.

6)Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a cup of Joe. There is certainly no use in getting started if you don't have enough fuel to make it through the night.

7)When you get back to your room...sit straight, comfortable chair, well lit place.

8)Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. You would hate to do all that work for nothing.

9)Check your email.

10)You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11) You notice there is something in your teeth, better extract that or it will bother you the whole time. 5 minutes in the mirror will suffice.

12)Download a few new tunes off of itunes... the atmosphere has to promote work.

13)Check your email.

14) Check Time and Temp. Maybe it will snow tonight and school will be cancelled.

15)Check your email.

16)Check your phone - no one is urgently trying to reach you, are they?

17)Call another friend with the same assignment and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your professor, the course, the college, the world at large.

18)Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out by now.

19)While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it, you hate to break a $20 just for a pack of gum. It's nice to stretch your legs, anyway.

20)Check your email.

21)Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22)Play some solitaire.

23)Stretch.

24)Refill your beverage.

25)Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26)Check email.

27)Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. It's never to early to start thinking about that!

28)Check your school's webpage. There could be some important information on there that you need to know.

29)Check your email.

30)You should be rebooting by now, assuming that windows is crashing on schedule.

31)Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

32)Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33)Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34)Visualize yourself doing the project.

35)Check your email.

36)Mumble.

37)5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38)Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to stay up all night to write that stupid paper.

39) Hand it in.

40) Sleep the rest of the day.


This is how it's done. If you truly want to be a procrastologist, you may have to learn a thing or 2 from me. But there's no need to start now... try a Monday.

Peace out,
H