HOLD EVERYTHING!

Welcome back to the blog. I can't remember the last time you looked so stunning... and you smell fantastic.

Had I known you'd show up looking so fabulous, I'd have run a comb through my hair (maybe even have fired up the curling iron), and made myself look a bit more presentable. Although, looks can be deceiving: even though I may be donning an old pair of worn out blue jeans and a scraggly ragamuffin tee, I am nonetheless "dressed for success." Ladies and gentlemen, today I came face to face with a pivotal national crisis--a potential catastrophe to all mankind: a terror so perilous, it would have driven a lesser man to solemn tears of defeat... and through all unspeakable odds, I victoriously prevailed!

Today... yes, today...I lost my Visa check card. And that's not the only thing I lost--I went crazy trying to find it. I looked absolutely everywhere, including places I knew, with absolute certainty, that it was not. There is a general process that every person goes through when they have lost something of significant importance:

You complete your shopping routine and head to the checkout counter, blissfully unaware of the tragedy that is about to rear its ugly head. After unloading your items, the clerk gives you a total. You open your wallet and realize disaster has stricken. This is known as the "oh crap" moment. Whether or not you have anyone with you, you always declare your misfortune-- and always out loud:
"Where's my check card?" you say. "I know it was in here yesterday...?"
You look to the cashier for emotional support--she's not having it, she's witnessed this on 3 separate occasions this morning alone. Realizing this is a troublesome situation, you turn to the person standing in line behind you with that uneasy "I'm not sure how this happened" smile. He doesn't care either, he's got places to be and people to see. He returns your non-verbal communication and responds with the standard "Lady, you better figure out something real quick" eyebrow lift and eye-roll (this is also accompanied with an intentionally louder than normal inhale/exhale combination). Your attention now revolves back to the clerk, but you don't have to murmur a word, as she's already putting your bagged belongings below the counter for re-shelving. When a quick but thorough body check yields no results, you admit defeat and head back to the parking lot.

As your mind races with possible Visa card locations, you furrow your eyebrows in worry and quickly walk back to your vehicle. At each intersection, one eye is kept on the changing stoplight while the other frantically searches the console of the front seat. At major intersections, both hands come entirely off of the steering wheel, and a full vehicle cavity search is performed within an arms-length radius. The process continues the entire way: searchsearchsearchsearchsearch--green light! ... ... ... ... searchsearchsearchsearchsearch--green light! ... ... ... ... searchsearch--where on earth is this th--green light!

When you reach your final destination, you mumble incessantly...repeatedly recalling aloud each and every step taken since you last saw your plastic life-source...
"Okay. I know I had it at Walmart yesterday. I'm almost sure I remember putting it back in my purse after that. Did I go anywhere else? Oh yeah, I swung through the drive-through. I'm sure I would have realized if I didn't get it back from him, you'd think I would have noticed. Walmart, drive-through... I mean where else could it be? I know I had it at the checkout counter last time, and I'm sure I put it back...".

Immediately marching inside,you check every possible nick and cranny of your home, in this order:
1) your wallet.
2) your car.
3) your wallet.
4) the kitchen table.
5) the table by the door.
6) your car.
7) every pocket of the pants you are currently wearing.
8)the couch cushions.
9) every pocket of the pants you wore yesterday.
10) the computer desk.
11) your wallet.
12) the refrigerator.
13) the kitchen cupboards.
14) every pocket of the pants you wore 2 days ago.
15) the car.
--pause to yell at everyone for not helping you look--
16) the computer desk.
17) the junk drawer in the kitchen.
18) your winter coat.
19) the garbage.
20) your bedroom floor.
21) every pocket of every pair of pants you've ever worn.
22) your wallet.
23) the computer desk.
24) the couch cushions.
25) the kitchen cupboards.
26) the laundry room, including the washing machine, dryer, and lint trap.
27) your underwear drawer.
28) your car.
29) your wallet.
30) the refrigerator.

Then, as if a bulb literally bursts into light above your noggin, it dawns on you--the exact location of your beloved Visa Check Card: the top dresser drawer, precisely 2 inches from where you last placed it. Immediately upon retrieval, the card is hoisted into the air, and from the bellows of your innards, you triumphantly shout: "I FOUND IT!!!" In a voice so loudly that those you've corralled to double check the basement can hear your victorious battle cry. Family members roll their eyes and continue on in their normal lives. As a calming relief soothes every fiber of your being, you feel as though you can conquer anything.

With another crisis averted, I can now ease into bed, knowing I'll be able to charge another day. Attention world: you have my permission to start spinning again.

Peace out,
H